i can only be myself

i can only be myself. be comfortable and act as i would act. as myself. in this situation. fluid. moving and reacting as i would. as comes naturally for me. not get sucked into my own psyche where i defeat myself in order to perpetuate normality. it is normal for me to resist any form giving of myself. i self destruct. i freak out. i must not overanalyze. not overthink. not obsess. "breathe through the anxiety" she said. and she is right. only in this way can i enjoy this. yes, i can enjoy the unknown. i can enjoy the anticipation. the anxiety. i would like to think of the end result. of the obstacles. of the worst--and then do what i do: destroy any potential. to keep myself safe. but not this time. i am enjoying this. a pendulum swinging from thoughts of autobiography, reflection, archives and swinging to thoughts of him, of what he was like, of what he meant for me that moment, that day, that night. snapshots of looks layered with textures of embrace, of words, the things we said, the things we did. all of this to swing back to what should and is (mostly) my focus: reading. breathe through this. nothing needs to be laid out. nothing needs yet to be said. relish in what has happened without looking too far forward to what will or will not happen. this will keep me fluid, moving, re/acting.