serenity please

While not the little girl in the meadow and also not (thankfully) the shedevil in a straitjacket, today is about understanding the things I do not know.

Literary muses, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; (like the bitterness I feel towards Ezra Pound at this moment)
courage to change the things I can; (like reading what other people have said about Pound so that I might not feel as vehement about his poetry)
and wisdom to know the difference.

today's word: gyre -- as in Yeats. as in his symbol of history's repeated patterns

countdown to maddness

1.5 weeks to go til written comps. i can tell you i feel black. red. i feel like i did when i quit smoking. my veins are exploding. i am impatient. nothing soothes and i want to tear at people around me. vicious. animal. i'm reverting/regressing. i could scream. i really could--there's no one here to hear me. i paused to consider this. i don't think it would help. i can't study this way. with cards. going back through. it's driving me nuts.

little girl in the field no more. try a shedevil in a straitjacket.

i can only be myself

i can only be myself. be comfortable and act as i would act. as myself. in this situation. fluid. moving and reacting as i would. as comes naturally for me. not get sucked into my own psyche where i defeat myself in order to perpetuate normality. it is normal for me to resist any form giving of myself. i self destruct. i freak out. i must not overanalyze. not overthink. not obsess. "breathe through the anxiety" she said. and she is right. only in this way can i enjoy this. yes, i can enjoy the unknown. i can enjoy the anticipation. the anxiety. i would like to think of the end result. of the obstacles. of the worst--and then do what i do: destroy any potential. to keep myself safe. but not this time. i am enjoying this. a pendulum swinging from thoughts of autobiography, reflection, archives and swinging to thoughts of him, of what he was like, of what he meant for me that moment, that day, that night. snapshots of looks layered with textures of embrace, of words, the things we said, the things we did. all of this to swing back to what should and is (mostly) my focus: reading. breathe through this. nothing needs to be laid out. nothing needs yet to be said. relish in what has happened without looking too far forward to what will or will not happen. this will keep me fluid, moving, re/acting.